Oops
by Lea of Mirkwood
Summary: Alternate Endings, Bloopers and other odd stuff relating to the Odyssey.


****

Alternate Endings, Bloopers and other odd stuff relating to the Odyssey.

Battle Scene

"Wait!" Antinous yelled, "Why did you just do that Telemachus? You just killed those two men! Admittedly it was very good fighting what with the two at once thing, and how there was very little blood at all, (There's blood all over.) but really? Is your hatred just a mask for the fact that you have underlying insecurities about your masculinity?

Telemachus looked stunned. "I never realized it! I am very depressed and insecure."

Odysseus nodded sympathetically. "Poor boy. We can help you with that."

Antinous nodded. "Yes, Prozac will help. I should know, I've been on it for ten years. That's why I could go on living when Penelope (sob.) rejected me."

The other suitors were watching this exchange warily and began edging towards the doors as Antinous continued, "Yes, my dear Telemachus, I was depressed also. I transferred my insecurities into aggression towards that little servant girl Melantho. So there I go, and now I'm in a room with the husband of the woman I'm courting who wants to kill me. It's a sad, sad world."

That's getting a little bizarre.

Odysseus sighed, "Penelope, my muffin-"

I don't think that will work either.

Melantho ran for the doors.

"No!" she cried, as she flew through the door. Her stunned and stabbed lover fell upon her. 

"Hey! You idiot! The spear was supposed to go through me too! Ugh! Get off! You're all bloody! You're ruining the tunic I wove in scene twenty-four!"

Melantho shoved her now dead lover off of her and stood up.

"We need another one!!!"

Back to Antinous, Telemachus, Odysseus and the Prozac.

"We were so excited about helping young Telemachus with his esteem issues, that we forgot where we were." Antinous said.

"Ah yes." Odysseus said, realization dawning on him, "We are locked up in a room with about five angry suitors with no weapons left."

The three were silent for a moment, contemplating their situation, while the suitors found more secure hiding places under tables, chairs, large platters, arrows, orangutans, breakfast cereals, etc. Suddenly the room echoed with screams of terror as Telemachus, Odysseus and Antinous flung themselves at the doors.

"NO, NO, THE WALLS THEY ARE CLOSING IN! HELP US, PLEASE!" they all yelled, pounding at the stone.

Penelope drew her women close. "Why it must be horrible in there! They are all screaming for help!" Her women recoiled from the doors.

Suddenly in the courtyard where Odysseus, Telemachus, and Antinous were, a white light shone in the middle of the room. A manly and musical voice came from the blinding light.

"In Zeus' name, stop that awful racket!"

"Who are you?!" Antinous yelled, unsheathing his sword.

"Ah-ah-ah...no fighting." Telemachus chided.

"Oh yes. Who are you, my good man? Be you god?" Antinous smiled beatifically. 

"I am Hermes, messenger of the gods!" (Betcha you saw that one coming, didn't you?)

The light cleared away to reveal a man floating in the air. Small diaphanous wings sprouted from his heels. White satin cloth wrapped around his waist. His face radiated handsome manliness. He had golden skin and eyes the blue of the pools on Calypso's island. He had a ready smile, (Which was not smiling now!) and dimples in his cheeks. He had curly, sun-lit blond hair, which gleamed golden in the sunlight. A white aura surrounded him. His legs, arms and chest were tanned and bare. He opened his mouth and began to speak.

"Zeus is angry with you all, for you have broken Hera's new sculpture with your screaming. The gods on high have hereby sent me, in their name, to deliver this all-holy message to you who have angered them, and the message from the gods on high Mount Olympus who sent me to deliver this message to you, is to command you to SHUT UP."

As the three men were about to hang their heads, tuck their tails and apologize, suddenly all the doors flew open and all females in a thirty-mile radius ran in screaming with infatuation, "HERMEEEEES!!!!!"

An expression of horror crossed the poor messenger's face. "Zeus help me, they caught up with me. Here, Since you repent, take some moly. It's like Prozac of the gods. Apollo takes it all the time. Shouldn't have said that..."

"Thank you Hermes."

All the females ran after Hermes as he flew through the door. Penelope followed. Odysseus stared in horror.

"Penelope, where are you going???"

"To play checkers with a god!" came the reply. The three men looked at each other, and simultaneously ate the moly. They waited for a moment, then skipped off with love and hope in their hearts.

Okaaay....

Odysseus sighed, "Penelope, I have a confession to make."

"Yes, my love?"

Odysseus traced the trunk of the olive tree by their bed. "I have...played checkers with other women while I was gone. Circe...and Calypso. Both are goddesses."

Penelope sat up with a yell, "How dare you!" She gasped, "Did you ever play...chess?"

Odysseus hung his head. "Yes, and I am shamed. I am sorry, Penelope."

"No!" cried Penelope. "I accuse you of chess playing!"

A courtroom sprang up around them with a big sign reading Divorce Court.

This was an assignment I did for English last year. It's funny. To me, anyway. We made a bunch of analogies in that class. "Playing Checkers in Bed" = Sex. Chess = serious Sex. 

Our entire class (females, anyway) found Hermes(in the movie with Armand Assante) to be extremely sexy, and Reala and I started hyperventilating whenever he came on screen. Stupid Justin kept calling him "Herpes."


End file.
